With the emergence of spring comes a new energy for me. As the hunkering down energy of winter recedes, an impulse to throw open the curtains and windows to see what the world has to offer greets me. And as the light steadily increases, time seems to expand and along with it comes a more action oriented energy of spring.
What started as a conscious decision to slow down and to use the energy of the seasons as a way of focusing my life, now comes quite naturally.
My body dances to nature's drum, my soul sings its tune, and my mind reads the lyrics. What I do or don't do is determined by natural rhythms, or at least that's the ongoing practise.
And yet, there's an old residual need to be ‘ordered’; to be goal focused and persistent, organised and structured. I wouldn't describe my life as disordered as such, but I haven't had a plan for a few years now and my only goal really is to live well. And I judge myself for this sometimes. I wonder if it ‘makes sense’, or whether I'm doing enough to make a difference in the world. More residual ‘stuff’.
I could, of course, resist the old need, but I've learned that resistance is futile and as with most things, it's not an either or, and it's probably more helpful to get curious about it. The reality is that the world still largely operates from a place of structure and order, and to walk the path through the world means to encounter it daily, and engage with it to some extent. There's also 40 plus years of playing by those rules to unravel, so it's inevitable, I guess, that the need will still pop up. Like the last chocolate biscuit in the tin, it rears its head and says “go on, you know you want to!”
So, I've got curious. I've pondered and contemplated. I've stopped along the path and looked behind me at where I've come from. I've taken a slow, deliberate 360 turn around everything on and surrounding the path.
I've asked myself “am I living a disordered, chaotic life?” And “so what if I am?!” It's interesting that the ancient Greeks originally thought of chaos as the abyss1 or emptiness that existed before things came into being. Modern culture has changed the meaning, given it a bad rep, and I have unwittingly judged myself for living it!
And as I've pondered and contemplated; looked behind and all around, what do I see?
If I work from the assumption that life is chaotic, and attach no critical judgement to that, then what I see is creativity in the chaos. And if I can approach the creativity from a place of not doing, allowing things to reveal themselves rather than forcing some kind of action, the creativity is life itself, creation.
As I stand at this chaotic place on the path, deep in the abyss, how wonderful it is to be at the point of creation. How exciting to wonder what is going to come into being. How perfect the chaos is.
And because I still can't quite resist the last chocolate biscuit, I'd like to leave you with some messages. You might think of them as my way of trying to make some kind of sense from the chaos. I prefer to think of them as way-markers along the path; as things I've learned, and themes I endeavour to hold, whilst walking the chaotic path of life. And I'd love to invite you along.
Things are never as complicated as we'd have ourselves believe. They are not always easy but as Glennon Doyle said in her book Untamed, we can do hard things.
Slow the f*** down!
We can live with far less than we think and far more than we can ever imagine. From money and physical possessions to emotional pain and hardship, the money and possessions don't define us and the emotional pain doesn't have to break us.
There is beauty in everyone and everything, if only you look.
All that really matters is unconditional love and kindness. How much love and kindness are you living right now?
Abyss - bottomless, unfathomable, boundless, primordial chaos. https://www.etymonline.com/word/abyss